


'The what if's' aka 5 lives of Ryan Ross

by kindaeccentric



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: 5 Things, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternative Lifestyles, Butterfly Effect, Current Events, F/M, I'm Bad At Summaries, M/M, Multi, Other, Ryden, Weird Plot Shit, What Was I Thinking?, again kind of, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-20 03:10:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8234021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kindaeccentric/pseuds/kindaeccentric
Summary: You don't like your reality? Go to sleep with a wish to switch it and voila!





	

**Author's Note:**

> (alternatively: why I shouldn't be allowed to write, because logic is not strong here, it's just my whim)

Our choices shape us. We cannot avoid making them and often wonder if they were right or how different would our lives be if we chose better. Maybe some choices we regret weren't the worst and those we believed to be best actually made us miserable. What if we could live our life more than one way?  
\--  
The polaroids. It was always the polaroids. He didn't remember he still had some of them, didn't look through them, but couldn't bring himself to throw them away. They were memories, after all, like in that bittersweet song Brendon wrote. Ryan heard it once and even called Jon to accuse Brendon of playing on his feelings again, but Jon being his flip-flopped self made him reconsider that. ‘Ryan… but you can't have your feelings hurt, there is no feelings left in you considering him whatsoever.’  
It wasn’t sarcastic or malignant falling from Jon’s mouth. Jon didn’t knew the whole story. And maybe it was the way he said it, like he was worried... It was true. Well, kind off. Ryan still felt something. Yet, it was like a faint shadow of all the things he used to feel for Brendon. He didn't think of him as often any more.  
He looked at the stained, creased photo of sleeping, drunk Brendon, with his hair looking like a cow has licked it, Spencer once took for the laughs. Ryan stole it from him the same day and saved it. It was showing part of Brendon’s naked back and his face pushed into a pillow. It was kind of sexy if you didn't knew the context and that Brandon drooled all over that pillow like a bulldog. Ryan still felt ashamed for falling asleep with that picture in hand back in the day. The naughty photos they made later, when they became lover's, were lost, either somewhere on tour, burned by Ryan himself or in Brendon’s possession. He knew the fucker didn't destroy his part of them. Brendon liked to hoard memories and wouldn't throw out something, that brings more of them out. He was slightly obsessed with remembering everything. It was almost endearing when he kept staring at Ryan putting his makeup on, before a concert once and when Ryan asked why is he doing it, he answered, ‘I’m trying to engrave that image in my brain. Your hands are always so steady…’. It was early in their affair, still fooling around more than anything, making out for fun.  
There was more. A picture of Ryan with Brendon looking at him longingly from a distance, a hand on Ryan’s shoulder from behind the shot, Spencer and Brendon’s stupid, beautiful face next to him, someone wrapped in bedsheets, someone eating cake, someone smoking, someone petting a dog, one of the hotel rooms, half naked Ryan looking through the window, with a slightly smudged text underneath in Brendon's handwriting. It said ‘my emerald city boy’. From Seattle then. After one of the best nights of his life. They went to a little pizza place opened 24/7, planned their future for years to come, how they are going to get a dog together, how one day it will be ok for them to come out as a couple, how weird it will be to answer the questions on interviews considering their relationship. They kissed in the infamous Seattle rain and Brendon said everything will be fine. It was silly, all of it. They were in love, but it wasn't enough. It was cheating on their girlfriends, fucking in dark, cramped spaces, avoiding touch in public, struggling not to make lyrics too obvious, never saying those three words out loud, fights they couldn't tell anyone about, crying in hotel bathrooms, stolen kisses, bruises and lies, too many to count. Yet, Ryan missed it like you miss the awfully strong smell of your mother’s perfumes or scratches from climbing trees when you were a kid. Oh, how he missed playing music with the guys on a good day, how after all he missed the crowd singing his lyrics back to him and one voice above them all… The voice of Brendon, who was a stranger at first, a rival, a friend, a lover, a rival, a stranger again. He even missed Pete sometimes (an idol, a crush, a producer, a friend, a fucker, a trickster, a producer).  
How did he end up like this, like it never happened?  
Maybe he would be better off never having that band at all.  
\--  
He woke up in a bed, not his, naked, with a headache and a man he saw first time in his life. Before he could make anything out of it he remembered his wish from the past night and a wave of memories, that couldn’t possibly be his, hit him like a train. Suddenly he knew why he’s there, how he got there and that it's real, but also that this lifeline without Brendon was packed into his brain artificially all at once and it only made his headache worse. He got up, but had to sit back again, because of how dizzy he was. He looked at his arms and legs knowing he'll see there tattoos he didn't have in his first life. He couldn’t figure out how is it possible for him to remember two different lives. He crawled down to the floor and found his clothes, but he would not choose them in his other life. He saw the other guy’s trousers and fished some cash out of the pockets. He found black sunglasses on the table between empty bottles and took them too. Somehow he made it out of the house before the man in bed woke up. He walked down the street slowly, dressed like a hobo, unshaven and already thirsty for some beer. He wondered how he could turn into this, a slutty drunkard, who never left the city he was born in and he realized he had his answer. He never made it with the band. He could play guitar, but sold the instrument long ago. He didn't save himself and instead became what he hated most. Pretty pathetic. He already knew he wanted to go back. Would it work if he had fallen asleep again? But he couldn't fall asleep this fast after waking up and decided to knock himself out with whisky. Now he wished he would have stayed friends with Brendon.  
\--  
‘Hi, Ross.’  
‘Do I know you?’  
‘No… but I can buy you a drink.’  
‘Buy me the whole bottle and then we'll talk.’  
The man looked at the price, at the barman and nodded. The money was exchanged and the whisky was put in front of Ryan with the barman's heavy sigh of disapproval and a thud when glasshit the counter.  
Ryan exhaled the cigarette smoke with a sleazy smile, embraced the neck of the bottle with the long fingers of his free hand and finally turned his head towards the man. He wasn't ugly, but neither handsome, with his nice cheekbones and too long nose.  
‘So… you can talk.’  
The man wasn't rushing him, but it was pretty obvious what he wants and with each sip of whisky Ryan was more and more willing to give it, completely surrendering to his corrupted mind. He was too drunk anyway at this point to fight the man’s grabby hands, even if he wanted to. He laughed like a maniac and let himself be taken to the cab and into the elevator and into the room. He couldn't feel his own face when the man kissed him. He barely felt his skin when he was getting undressed again. For a moment he thought he even passed out, but he still knew what is being done to him, he only closed his eyes. The man was not righteous enough not to prey on his body in this hazy state, but just all right to be gentle. Ryan felt the weight of the stranger on him, his breath on his neck. Between his legs he felt the always strange, no matter how many times he felt it, touch of an alien snake, ready to crawl into him. He smiled at the intricate allegory his drunken, yet clever mind produced before the man pushed into him and forced a whine of discomfort out of his pretty mouth. He did enjoy parts of the act, when he focused on the raw, basic pleasure his tired body let him recognize, but was practically used, unable to move or speak coherently. When it felt good enough, he started to lose contact with reality and blacked out.  
\--  
He woke up at his place in Los Angeles, sober, but for a second still feeling the phantom weight on him and cold sweat on his neck. Then he thought it was just a dream, until he realized his home is not exactly the same. Maybe it was a different shade of the wall paint or different books on the shelf. He touched a place in his bed next to himself under the covers. It was warm. He knew it will be. Again different version of reality became his life. It was definitely less painful, he felt as good as always. He looked at framed photos standing on a shelf next to his bed. There was a photo of him and Brendon dressed in suits and hugging and right next to it photo of Ryan kissing Z Berg in a wedding dress. Photos from the reception. His wife came back from the bathroom she apparently was in and slipped back under the covers right next to him.  
‘I’m sorry, that I woke you up.’  
‘It's ok.’  
He kissed her forehead. This time he was happier. As happy as a man with a beautiful wife he loves can be. As happy as someone who just minutes before was getting fucked by a stranger for and because of a bottle of whisky and is relieved that reality is gone. He inhaled the flowery, clean scent of Z’s shampoo still in her hair drying slowly after the shower they took together earlier. Why couldn't he make it work the other time he had no idea.  
‘I must get up soon anyway, Brendon’s bachelor party isn't going to prepare itself.’  
‘Stay with me just a little longer. It's too early.’  
Her arm on his chest, every day they have spend together in his head.  
\--  
Brendon’s bachelor party was a big thing. Probably every man they ever had contact with was there. Ryan observed with horror how ‘the younglings’, aka Josh and Tyler drink banana shots and eye the male stripper (thinking nobody will notice), who was supposedly invited by accident, but Ryan knew better. He was more than certain, that Pete laid his finger on it, getting entertainment was his part of organizing after all. Most of the men were tipsy and their tongues starting to get loose, which meant awkward situations. Ryan didn't want to be a part of this, but could not notice Pete, talking to Patrick on his right in his usual flirtatious manner, and squeezing Mikey's ass on his left. Gerard sat next to Ryan and observed them, while Ryan was stealing glances at Brendon in the crowd of men.  
‘Do you think I should save him from embarrassment?’  
‘Huh?’  
‘Mikey. Just look at him. Soon he’ll be in Pete’s lap somewhere. His self respect goes out the window with Wentz around.’  
‘Don’t worry about him. They're just fooling around. And I think Ray is having an eye on him too.’  
Out of nowhere Frank appeared and kissed Gerard’s neck like it was something he does for a living. Gee made an exasperated expression.  
‘Hello, baby.’  
‘Hi, Frankie, you monster.’  
Frank giggled like a man his age should not be able to, wrapped his arm around Gerard shoulders and only then noticed Ryan.  
‘So here you are! Not with the strippers? Gabe was looking for you.’  
Ryan lifted his drink and took a big sip before answering that.  
‘Ugh, no. I don’t have energy for Gabe right now. Tell William to talk with him.’  
‘Which one is William?’  
‘The one wearing my shirt, Josh’s jacket and smelling of strawberries for some reason tonight.’  
‘That sounds like a riddle… but I get the idea.’  
Frank kissed Gee’s cheek and whispered something into his ear before coming back to the other men. Ryan didn't ask what it was, because Gerard blushed and lowered his gaze. At this point Ryan was fairly sure being bi-curious is a common trait among musicians. Pete was charming Mikey all the way, gently caressing his face and telling him sweet nothings, while Patrick went to look at the girls. They had a good chance at crossing the line.  
‘My brother… is shameless’, said Gerard in sudden realization.  
‘You know what they say… the silent ones are the freakiest. Or something like that.’  
Ryan didn't knew what ‘they’ say, but it would be awkward to admit he repeated what Pete told him once years back after the night of pretty kinky sex. He got up to find Brendon, felt the need to and found him talking to his friends Ryan didn't know and Spencer. Brendon smiled brightly seeing him.  
‘Ryro, my human moonshine, come ‘ere.’  
Ryan flopped next to Brendon and was right away embraced around the waist.  
‘If your future wife saw you right now she would be terrified. You are completely hammered, Bren.’  
‘And you are so pretty…’  
‘You are such an embarrassment.’  
‘And that's why you love me.’  
Brendon was sloppy, sweaty and definitely too close. The weirdest part of this was, apart from Ryan himself nobody seemed to mind.  
\--  
They left the party to get some fresh air. The street seemed weirdly silent compared to the inside of the club, even with the cars passing by. They stood under the pink neon lights, letting the night air cool down their skin. Ryan couldn't keep his eyes away from his friend. Brendon was a newborn LA beast, too handsome for his own good in that whole Hollywoodish vibe. Ryan spoke faster than he thought in that moment.  
‘I don't think I’m happy, that you're getting married.’  
‘Why Ry? I thought you were happy for me.’  
‘I… am not sure myself. Maybe I’m scared of losing my best friend.’  
‘Why would you lose me? I didn't lose you when you got married. What is wrong Ryan?’  
‘Nothing is wrong. I just… I was wondering if you ever had a moment when you thought we might be too intimate with each other? Almost like a couple?’  
‘Is this how you feel about me?’  
Brendon didn't look terrified or disgusted. He was all smirks, like a girl, who just heard a compliment.  
‘You are not a bad looking guy… but it came to me after seeing Mikey almost giving Pete a lap dance.’  
‘Being physically close with your best friend is natural. Girls do it all the time. I bet Sarah will bring home a hickey made by Linda or something. Why are you so worried?’  
Brendon wrapped his arm around Ryan, kissed his cheek gently and laid his head on his shoulder.  
‘I'm not going anywhere Ry, I promise.’  
Ryan saw two men holding hands across the street and giving them an acknowledging smile before going their way. He closed eyes shut not to let the tears roll out.  
\--  
That night when he went to sleep and every night for the next week he knew he’ll wake up happy. He was happily married, still friends with Brendon, still formally in the band. It couldn't be better than that. Or could it? He found himself zoning out the morning of Brendon’s wedding, staring mindlessly into the inside of his cup of coffee and wondering how beautiful Brendon will look in his wedding suit, standing there, waiting for his one and only.  
\--  
Ryan was in a suit and a tie, looking ridiculously good. He could feel he’s slightly dizzy, the taste of champagne still on his tongue, people in formal dress all around him, friends and family of Brendon and Sarah. The couple was dancing to a slow, romantic song. Both beautiful, happy, young. He was looking at them, smiling. Dallon startled him laying a hand on his shoulder.  
‘It's so far the prettiest wedding I’ve been to.’  
‘What was wrong with mine?’, joked Ryan.  
‘Nothing, just you and Z have quite a… different aesthetics.’  
‘What else did you expect from a Halloween themed wedding!’  
Spencer seemed to appear out of nowhere next to them. He looked high, but Ryan knew it was just an effect of shared happiness. Nevertheless, Linda was lurking in the back if her man is all right.  
‘Our little bachelors’ club is dying out fast.’  
‘Not THAT fast. Pete and Jon will keep it alive a while longer...’  
‘Pete has been married once’ said Dallon.  
‘Those were crazy times. We don't mention that.’ joked Ryan.  
The song Brendon and Sarah were dancing to almost finished and he felt a tap on his back. He turned around to see Z, his wife, in a little grey dress.  
‘You wanted to sing for them, so I guess you should do it now.’  
\--  
He stood on the dance floor, in the spotlight, with a guitar and a microphone.  
‘And since this beautiful day is slowly heading to an end, I wanted to sing a song. I dedicate it to my old friend, Brendon and his lovely wife, Sarah. I love you guys, I wish you both endless happiness. May your love never die.’  
He wrote them a simple ballad, which they adored. Brendon was seeing him probably for the first time since he arrived. Not that he wasn't physically looking at him this whole time and speaking with him, but he was so focused on Sarah he was barely in contact with anyone else. For the first time that day Ryan saw in Brandon's eyes the same expression he remembered from every backstage and tour bus they were together in. The soft, loving, intimate expression. He started to regret settling in this reality. His fingers almost missed the strings. He and Brendon always had a thing for each other. The tension between them was uncomfortable for other band members. There were jokes about them fucking, but they never did it. They kissed on the lips once, only once in the whole ten years. Ryan sometimes was coming back to it in his thoughts when Z was asleep. He had a crush on Brendon, that never seemed to go away. Maybe another wish could give him Brendon, maybe he could get another timeline again? But would it be better that this?  
\--  
He met Mikey Way at the studio one day, simply by chance. Both of them really had nothing to do there. Except maybe bothering Pete. Mikey seemed externally calm, but something was telling Ryan, that was only a façade.  
‘So…how's life going?’  
‘Good. How's your mourning?’  
‘What?’  
‘Your Brendon got married, I suppose you must feel quite heartbroken.’  
‘He is not mine. Never was. Why are you…’  
‘Don't try to bullshit me, Ross. I know. Others may be blind idiots, but I know. I know that sucking in your guts when you see the man. It feels like some kind of calling, doesn't it? Never goes away.’  
Ryan was genuinely dumbfounded, blinked a few times with his mouth slack open.  
‘It's just love’ said Mikey bluntly. He was definitely pissed off.  
‘I love Z.’  
‘I’m not saying you don't. You love both of them. And you love Dan and Spencer. And some other people. And dogs. There are various kinds of love. Or maybe… they are all the same in it’s core. I mean, you can’t stand the thought of losing those people, you can’t stay away from them, because not having them around hurts. But you have to know they love you back the same way, otherwise it hurts even more.’  
They both grew silent after that before Ryan recollected himself.  
‘Mikey, what happened to you?’  
‘Take a guess.’  
‘Pete…’, Ryan heard himself whisper before he bit his tongue.  
Mikey sighed.  
‘That fucker. He even slept with you, didn't he?’  
‘That was long ago. Is that why you don't like me?’  
‘It's not that I don't like you. I’m jealous of you. He still has that look in his eyes when you are around… And when you smile to him neither me, nor Patrick, nor anyone can get his attention.’  
‘I didn't know.’  
‘You were too busy looking at Brendon smiling. You see, each one of us is the one looking and the one smiling. Who is Brendon looking at?’  
‘Sarah. Mostly.’  
‘Who is Sarah looking at?’  
‘Brendon…’  
‘How's your mourning then?’  
\--  
That time he really thought he’s back to the original timeline. Everything was exactly the same in his house, nothing out of place, Dottie sleeping where he had left her sleeping, the dishes still waiting to be washed in the sink. He ignored the new memories, brushing them off as dreams or wishful thinking, until he got a text. It was Brendon. Of course it was. He was having an affair with Brendon since he could remember. Years of cheating on their respective partners, years of sex in hotel rooms and breakfasts in bed. Married Brendon lying to Sarah he goes out with a friend, to fuck that friend and tell him about his undying love. Ryan almost threw his phone into a wall. He played himself this time. He gave up a pretty good life for this, for lying again. And then the feelings of Brendon kicked in. He could recall the taste, the texture, the warmth, the exact curve of Brendon’s lips, the sound of his laugh muffled by kisses, the look in his eyes seconds after an orgasm, the softness of his hair, before he gets to style it, the love, so much love. Ryan was sold.  
The message in his phone said, ‘That hotel you like most, 8pm. Happy birthday.’  
\--  
They always cheated, but the weird part was, that it seemed to be turned on it's head. Their official partners, they shared most of the time with, were changing, but they cheated on them with constantly only one person. Ryan was waiting in the lobby of a hotel for Brendon, wondering why they actually played that out this way. He wasn't coming back for sex, not only. He deeply cared about Brendon and his happiness. He would consider ending this if Brendon said, that he doesn't want it anymore, but the problem was, he did. Urie could not be entirely happy at this point without Ryan and the specific intimacy they shared. They continued their affair for years. Maybe they liked the adrenaline rush. Or maybe it was the way their hearts were speeding every time they laid eyes on each other again. They just wanted to be together, but couldn't refuse themselves the pleasures of sex, food and entertainment. It was Ryan's day, they couldn't help themselves.  
\--  
They were laying in bed, after making love, satisfied, but tired, expressionless, except for the little bittersweet smiles in the corners of their mouths. Brendon reached to brush Ryan's hair behind his ear.  
‘Happy birthday again, old man.’  
They looked at each other lovingly for a moment. Just sharing space. Just being together, almost forgetting about the outside world, about Brendon’s poor beautiful wife, about Ryan's past mistakes, about the risk of getting caught on their lies. Almost. Ryan felt a sting in his heart and decided to immediately lose that pain with the help of Brendon’s plushy lips.  
‘Kiss me.’  
Brendon was eager to obey that request. He needed some more sugar himself. When he was kissing Ryan, he could feel his quiet, but dominant personality poured into it. He felt like he’s being taken care of, like he is in the right place. He put his ear to Ryan’s chest and listened to his heartbeat. Brendon was childlike and Ryan loved it when he could see him calming down and being all delicate in his arms. He wondered if Sarah had the same effect on him.  
‘You are thinking about her.’  
‘How do you know?’  
‘You stopped petting my head.’  
‘I’m sorry.’  
‘Don't be. I know you would prefer to be married to me instead, I don't blame you.’  
‘I just… I feel like I miss you, even when we're together. It's that you are hers. Your body, your mind, your… heart.’  
‘My heart is big enough for two. It's not IF I love you both, I do, very much, it's like this because I love you both and am not strong enough to let either go.’  
‘Why don't you talk to Sarah, that you want us both?’  
‘She would be ok with that. If I didn't lie to her in the first place that is. Now she would feel betrayed and I can't blame her. I mean, our marriage is solid and I could suggest introducing one more person into our bed, but a full time another lover, one I loved for years, longer than I know her… I think she would feel insecure and like she's not enough for me. And the worst is that's true. She isn't. But I can't live without her.’  
‘I feel like a complete asshole. She doesn't deserve being lied to.’  
‘No. She doesn't…’  
‘I shouldn't have slept with you after you got married.’  
‘No. I should have told her I want a less traditional marriage. But I’m a coward.’  
‘We are such fools, aren't we?’  
‘I wish I could love you from afar, platonically, like a brother.’  
‘We tried that. That's when you married Sarah.’  
‘I thought she'll make me forget your touch. Didn't work out the way I wanted…’  
Ryan smirked to himself.  
‘Boomer.’  
This made Brendon laugh, which in return tickled skin on Ryan's belly and they both started to squirm around in bed laughing. The lighthearted atmosphere was cut abruptly by the ringing of a phone. Brendon reached for the mobile on the nightstand and for a moment looked at the screen in terror. It was Ryan's phone and he just wanted to hand it to him, but he knew the number of the caller.  
‘What is it?’  
‘Sarah is calling you.’  
‘How? She didn’t have my number.’  
‘Now she does. She was supposed to be out with her friends…’  
‘I have to pick up, Bren, stop talking.’  
Ryan held the phone to his ear and for a moment thought Sarah hung up, but then he heard her sigh.  
‘…is he with you? He’s not at home.’  
‘Sarah? Didn't Brendon come back yet?’  
‘Don't play dumb with me. You are not a good actor anyway. Is my husband with you?’  
He could hear, that she's trying to be calm, but her voice began to crack.  
‘He was with me before in the bowling alley, like he probably told you. Yes, we did take a while longer... Maybe he stopped by some shop on the way home or something.’  
‘Stop. Just stop. I know you're with him. I know that, don't lie. I just need to hear it. Say it. Or make him say it, I don't give a fuck.’  
Ryan looked at Brendon with panic in his eyes. He just nodded and hid his head in his hands like he expected to be beaten up.  
‘He is here. Should I give him?’  
‘No. That's all I needed. Tell him to get home when he's ready to look me in the eyes, ok? And… come with him.’  
‘I will.’  
She hesitated for a moment.  
‘…good night.’  
Sarah hung up not waiting for the answer.  
\--  
Sarah seemed sweet and petite on a daily basis, but could snap into a hurricane right in front of your eyes if you did her wrong. She sat them on the couch in the living room and herself stayed standing, with her arms crossed, but fingers fidgeting, like she had an urge to throw something at them, especially Brendon. They felt like they're on a trial. Ryan was glancing from time to time at Brendon, who turned green like he was about to get sick out of worry. It would be less scary if they held hands, but they didn't have the audacity for physical contact in front of her. She looked disappointed and displeased.  
‘I was out with girls, one of them being Linda. She was rather shook, because Spencer told her he’s with you two and she saw him in a café on her way to the hair salon. She thought he's cheating on her, so we confronted him about it and he revealed he’s actually covering your lying asses, but refused to tell where you are or what you are doing. But he didn't have to. I can add two and two. So I took the number and called. And I was right.’  
‘I'm so sorry…I wanted to tell you long ago…’  
‘What? That you're fucking Ryan?’  
‘I love him. And I love you.’  
‘You love us… Then why did you decide to screw me and him over so much? You married me without uttering a single word about him, a person you supposedly love for years and you hide him like he doesn't deserve to be your lawful partner. What the fuck, Brendon? One would expect more honestly from someone with such a big mouth, and I'm not referring to the size of your lips.’  
Ryan stared at her with wide eyes. He suddenly realized their situation was ridiculous.  
‘I was fucking scared all right?! Afraid that you won't accept it and leave me. And you probably will now, but I never wanted to hurt you. Or him. It's just… I'm not the best choice for a lover. Ask Ryan, I always was irritating, egotistical, a tyrant… I don't really think I'm lovable. I couldn't risk losing either of you, I am not strong enough. It makes me an asshole, I get it, but please…’  
At this point Brendon had a breakdown and couldn't say anything else. Both Ryan and Sarah despite everything, felt protective towards him, yet, they couldn't process what exactly they should do, which created an impasse. Brendon was weeping, Sarah standing next to him and biting her lip, Ryan with his hand hovering over his shoulder, but not touching it. In the end Sarah asked Ryan to come with her to the kitchen.  
‘So, you love him too, huh?’  
‘Yes.’  
‘It's actually not fair. That he plays on our emotions like this and he doesn't even know it. His stupid, sad face makes me want to forgive him right away. But on the other hand I feel so… betrayed. How did you put up with being his dirty secret for so long?’  
‘I don't know. I probably would do anything for him. The truth is when we first started sleeping together we were young, confused with our sexuality and constantly horny and back then cheating on our girlfriends and on each other was our everyday reality. Then we stopped, broke up so to speak, but after a while, when we were already in different relationships we started doing it again. And it continued, on and off, over the years, always at the wrong time. He met you when we had a break. A pretty long one too. We tried being friends only. Then he fell in love, I found some lovers to fill the hole he left in my life… It seemed like we're done. And then one weekend, on his birthday actually, we did it again. The effect of a snowball.’  
‘He should have been with you then from the start.’  
‘Say it to him. He didn't want commitment with me. Maybe he never wanted me to be anything more than a booty call. I believe that he did in fact fell in love with me at some point, but… it doesn't matter. He kept asking for me and I was coming back to him, even if it meant just a day or two for a month where I could touch him and kiss him and you know… have him. I am an idiot, I know. I didn't want to hurt you, Sarah.’  
‘It may sound weird coming from me right now… I am sorry for you. You are stupid, very dumb, for letting him play you like this, but I understand. He can be charming. And irresistible. I know, because he wrapped me around his finger too. But I can't let him go away with it. I cannot stand, that he lied to me. I am his wife, he promised me things at the altar for fuck’s sake. And if you won't break that chain I'll be really disappointed. You are… we are worth someone who’ll put us first.’  
\--  
He came back home without kissing Brendon goodbye, without even giving him a hug. It hurt even more than every other universe he knew by that moment. The closest to the original, the most fucked up possibility. He was tired of taking his chances, tired of figuring out his new life every few days or weeks. He had no idea how else to fix this, what memory to bring back and change for the perfect life. Everything seemed to fall apart in Cape Town, didn't it?  
\--  
Ryan woke up in the morning not recognizing his surroundings. Or actually slowly recognizing it, but with growing surprise. He knew he laid down in his own bed the night before, but on the other hand he knew perfectly fine that he slept in this room every night for the last few years. Those contradictory memories were highly confusing. It wasn't his bedroom in Los Angeles, but it was his bedroom. In Seattle. He got up and stood by the window. He could see the big, blue waters. He remembered it as clearly as the sand of the desert. He started to play with a golden ring on his right hand mindlessly. The wave worth of eight years of images, sounds, tastes, touches and smells washed over him almost knocking him down, but then settled gently next to his memories of the other lives, every life without him, every life where he hadn’t had that ring. Ryan gasped suddenly realizing the truth. He was in a place he could have been if he made a different choice there in Cape Town. He was home, with him, with their dogs running in the backyard, with photos from their honeymoon on the fridge. Brendon came into the room, which didn't startle Ryan at all. Seeing him was expected. Hearing his voice anticipated. Feeling his touch wanted.  
Brendon was already dressed, so he probably woke up much earlier. He embraced Ryan from behind and kissed his naked shoulder. His plump, gentle lips pressed against Ryan's cool skin like it always belonged there, like it always has been there.  
‘Hello sleepyhead, are you coming to the kitchen?’  
‘Yeah. Sure. I just…’  
Ryan turned around and hugged his husband close. Remembering the other lives he realized how much he enjoys Brendon's company and physical contact with him. The smell and softness of his hair, the salty taste of his sweat, his laugh and the firm hold of his hand whenever Ryan felt anxious or overwhelmed. Belonging only to him.  
‘What's wrong, honey?’  
‘Nothing. I want you to know how much I love you.’  
And it was true. He said it so many times, but still liked to remind Brendon.  
‘I love you too’, Brendon laughed and hugged Ryan back. ‘Sometimes you become so emotional out of nowhere it's almost scary.’  
‘I had a nightmare, that you were married to… someone else… and not me’, said Ryan thoughtfully. It wasn't exactly a lie. The life without Brendon was not a dream and it wasn't awful enough to call it a nightmare, but it was not half as good as holding Brendon in his arms. Not even a quarter as good.  
‘Oh, I wouldn't ditch my golden god for a lesser one.’  
Brendon was quoting lyrics. THEIR lyrics, from a song they made together. Most of it was written with a short pencil on the inside of the cover of a Bible in a hotel room in Las Vegas after Panic show, the rest with Brendon’s tongue on the inside of Ryan’s tights. Good times and good stories. Arousing stories.  
Ryan tapped and squeezed his husband's ass. It was a familiar feeling.  
‘Hey, what are you…?’  
‘That nightmare made me miss this.’  
Brendon rolled his eyes, but let Ryan kiss him. They both were relaxed and could not stop smiling, which was getting in the way of kissing. Ryan knew that Jon and Dallon would comment on it if they could see them. Sometimes about getting diabetes. Spencer would be making pictures.  
‘Just like on our wedding day. The man said ‘Now you may kiss the groom’ and we couldn't because you were grinning like a Cheshire cat.’  
‘I am so happy to have you I can't stop.’  
‘That's reciprocated, honey.’  
Ryan bit Brendon’s neck gently and whispered into his ear. ‘I could eat you up right now, babe.’  
Brendon pushed him away playfully with a snort.  
‘Thanks, but we should get ready. Sarah is waiting. She came from LA to see us, we should greet her.’  
THE Sarah. Ryan had a brief flashback of the text he got from Spencer once. Brendon is getting married to Sarah. It felt wrong. He wasn't even invited, but then, he would feel even worse if he had been. And another one of singing on their reception. That one was painful too. And Sarah crying in the kitchen. The worst one.  
Yet in this reality he knew her. She became their big friend over time. She was throwing flowers at THEIR wedding. All the dogs loved her. He loved her in that platonic way, like he loved Z after they broke up. He did not remember meeting Z at all in this life.  
‘I hear her name constantly lately, are you sure you married the right person?’ joked Ryan and reached out to grab Brendon and give him a light peck on the lips.  
‘I'm not so sure sometimes, maybe she was my wife in your nightmare’ Brendon joked back making Ryan shiver, but the deep, sweet kiss that followed calmed him down. He couldn't help himself and slid his hands under Brendon’s shirt only to be met with a lighthearted laugh into his mouth.  
‘Stop it or I won't be able to resist.’  
‘Don’t resist then. Sarah can wait.’  
Ryan felt sudden possessiveness. He turned territorial and pulled Brendon close to himself grinding their crotches together.  
‘Ryan…’  
‘Yes, babe?’ asked Ry as innocently as someone talking about the weather.  
‘It's already late…’ said Brendon in an exasperated manner.  
‘We’ll be quick.’  
Ryan licked Brendon’s earlobe and kissed his jaw.  
‘It's never quick. Except in Denver maybe.’  
‘You know I like your Denver blowjob tradition, right?’  
Brendon rolled his eyes theatrically, even though he enjoyed Ryan's kisses and his hands roaming his body slowly.  
‘You are embarrassing.’  
‘You still love me though.’  
‘Of course, I wouldn't keep that tradition alive if I didn't.’  
They both sneered before Brendon brought their lips together and started caressing his face and arms. The atmosphere became more intense. Ryan couldn't quite get enough of his lover, enough of the heat he was giving him. Brendon belonged to him and he knew he belonged to Brendon not because they were fighting to own each other like they did years ago, but because they offered themselves and got accepted. And the sex became mind-blowing.  
‘No, we can't, we can't’ said Brendon pulling away gently. Ryan sighed, but had to agree.  
‘Sorry. Over ten fucking years and you still arouse me so much…’  
‘Wasn't it kind of the reason you asked to marry me?’  
‘Only one of them.’  
‘Remember when I tried to ask you in the cabin? I’ve never seen you so terrified. You stormed out and refused to talk to me until I apologized for being pushy.’  
‘Yeah. But marrying you now had one big advantage of it being legal, didn't it?’  
Brendon smirked and embraced him again, teasing him.  
‘You get off on that? Knowing someone somewhere can read a legal document, which says we are Mr. and Mr. Urie-Ross?’ he joked.  
‘Ross-Urie. But pretty much, yeah.’  
They kissed one more time, before Ryan started to dress up.  
\--  
‘We are starting to look like twins, Bren.’  
They were both wearing jeans, striped black and white shirt and a leather jacket. The only difference was their choice of shoes  
‘Couples often do in time. You're still prettier than me.’  
‘I don't think so.’  
‘It's not a matter of your opinion. It's a fact.’  
‘Fact my ass. You make everyone swoon, babe. And you know it.’  
‘Ryan, when I say you look like a god, you do. You can't fight me on this.’  
Brendon smacked his ass on his way out of the room.  
‘Come on, it's actually pretty fun we're both dressed the same. We share clothes anyway.’  
\--  
Brendon was writing a text message apology to Sarah for being late, because of course, they never could get anywhere in time, not when it wasn’t a show or an interview. Ryan didn't pay attention to that, he had to focus on the road and the steering wheel in his hands. The streets were rather busy, even more than usual. When they stopped on the red light he saw in the corner of his eye Brendon shifting.  
‘Hey, honey.’  
Ryan turned his head towards the voice automatically.  
‘Huh?’  
Ryan barely had time to realize a photo of him is being taken, so his expression was probably rather awkward. Brendon was smirking mischievously.  
‘You're posting it on snapchat, aren’t you?’  
‘Yes. And Instagram. You look like a lost puppy, I have no choice.’  
‘Can I post one of you then, later?’  
‘Go ahead.’  
\--  
They were with Sarah and a few more friends in a pub. They already discussed most of the available subjects and for a moment, when Sarah talked to someone else, they had time to themselves. Accidentally they started to talk about the past and Cape Town.  
‘Can you imagine what would it be like if you left me that night, Bren?’  
‘We would still end up together, right?’  
‘I guess…’  
‘You don't think that?’  
Brendon embraced him and kissed his temple. It felt nearly too good.  
‘You could stay with Sarah and I could leave the band and we would never talk again.’  
‘I think… it could happen. I was mad at you, that's true, and you probably wanted to kill me, but then you came to me the next day, said that you don't want to end our friendship like this even if it means breaking romantic ties with me. Then you told me you thought about leaving the band, because of that issue with label and my taste, that you had a fight with Pete, and that Spencer basically betrayed you and that Jon would leave with you. And I respected that and I went to Pete to negotiate. But if you didn't come to me that day we probably would be finished. You changed your mind. You waited for me. I agreed to wait for you. And I finally realized how much you mean to me.’  
They were sitting there and looking at people at the bar.  
‘You were fucking annoying back then when you wouldn't let me sing.’  
‘You were an asshole, that wouldn't let anyone touch his lyrics.’  
‘Obnoxious bastard.’  
‘Territorial dickhead.’  
‘I love you so fucking much.’  
‘I love you more.’  
‘That's not possible.’  
‘Wanna fight?’  
‘Idiot.’  
They laughed and kissed and everything was fine.

**Author's Note:**

> I have tons of fluff connected with the last part. Tons.


End file.
